The sound of a cardboard box bounces off the porch. Sometimes it is in the form of an impossible to open plastic envelope. Depending on my level of obsession it can be a daily occurrence. The packages pour in from eBay, maybe occasionally Amazon, maybe, if I am feeling in my chips, Zappos.

The diesel roar of the UPS truck or the quaint right-hand drive jeep — vroom! — come by the house. Boom on the porch. Bang. It comes in waves … lately I have been collecting vests. Something to push back the winter chill with extra pockets for all the junk I am required to carry for my job. An instant visual upgrade to the wardrobe. Bang, Vroom. Now the weather is warming up. Switch from wool to cotton. Beep beep.

There’s that and curiosity which, due to some error in my upbringing, requires me to have what I desire immediately — but not, as in the case of a book — immediately as in drive to a bookstore immediately (are there any?) but quick as in click here to order and a day or two later it is there on the porch at 2 in the morning when I roll in from work.

Books, record albums, silk shirts, wool jackets, sweaters, pants,  post cards. and several kinds of pottery. Vroom, Boom. Bang. Pottery says “crash!”

Too late to open them when sleep beckons but as the coffee gurgles when the sun comes up, they are there to unwrap like 365 Christmas mornings! Empty boxes, padded envelopes, Styrofoam peanuts swirl in the dander and dust bunnies! Fashion show! Surprise! Too small! Too large! Too weird! And where am I going to put another book? How is the closet rod going to bear another garment and when do you officially run out of space?

So out comes the box cutter and the cardboard is cut up into neat rectangles and stuffed into a brown paper bag. It’s time to chase the Styrofoam peanuts around the house. Save one of those boxes for Good Will, because a lot of that stuff will be going there. I’ll return those shoes, what was I thinking? By the end of the day it is all sorted, put away, and I can pretend I am not obsessed with the sound. Wait! Click here to purchase!

Bing, Vroom, Bang, boom.

They say when addicts recover, the most difficult thing they give up is the hunt: the challenge and adventure of procurement. Stop me please!

Oh no! Uber food! [email protected]